| it is the almost fall. |
[Sep. 4th, 2008|03:35 am] |
quickly quietly into the night lets ride with solidity lets ride with longevity its just for us not anyone else no one needs to know be quiet! i told you its important to be quiet because its just for us there is no point in telling anyone else because they should have there own quiet thing, ideally they would be as invested in their own as we are in ours. its been a while old friend you have been a selfless companion.
settle down there are a lot of things that are not worth thinking about. control is yours, power is yours, this is the life, the "life" this is the only life, the infinite life the only infinite life. a lot of patterns and symbols, like a good painting should be. i miss you. but my priorities have changed. i no longer allow for that kind of self-destruction. its not important. enough of this emptiness, this sadness. i realize i am afraid of the camera, i am trying to change that.
will anything remember anything? does it matter? what matters? truth, love, family. in that order. thats how it happens the scientist jack told me. first truth, then love which comes from truth, then family which comes from love. unrestrained and unprecedented. it is still possible. it is possible. even now in these unromantic times, these cold hard technological times we fly high, or we can, we could, some do.
taking control is letting go. there is always a part of your consciousness that watches you. even when you are fucking wasted he or she is there watching you and laughing occansionaly but mostly saying, its ok really you are still here with me, here i am sitting way back here and i am calm because we are all still here, now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 8th, 2006|12:54 pm] |
June 9th @ the Cuntree Club Brookline Ma
Fruit Salad
Masacre (cali grind)
This is your Brain (cali grind)
Last White Flag
Poison Control
7pm!
June 11th in Western MA @ 38 North Valley Road
fruit salad
masacre
this is your brain
dethaamphetamine
5pm |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2006|03:17 pm] |
i quit smoking weed. its been a week and a half approximately (sp?). it has been easy and fun and i feel like making fun of people again which is good too because i enjoy asserting myself over everyone else, well kind of. my art making has also improved.i feel more aware of everything and more in touch with other people and with myself even. also it just feels good because i was arguing with myself for a while about it and i hate arguing with myself. its the worst because i always win and lose. this time though my better half won. now i guess its my better whole. i am done with school and i made a mix tape and i am proud of it.
i had a dream that i fought my teacher. i mean verbally. and i won. maybe i took a cheap shot but i still won. i said that my teacher's art was boring and so completaly confined by tradition and convention that she is not evven aware. you know why i am going to change majors? because she said "you can make all the mess you want, just not in my print shop". i am not clean and orderly when i create. i need everything in there. everything everything everything. i can no longer be confined. and also all the kids i there are so scared. scaredy cats. i am not working all week which gives me time to create these new drawings for the show. ive got a show at the ORCHARD skate shop on the hill with robbie and joey and its going to be catered supposedly by grasshopper says robbie with beer and whatnot as well. its JUNE 9th 8-11 you should not come. dont come. no one come. i dont want to see any of you there.
max |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2006|04:43 pm] |
james says we should rent a room, you know, at the pine street inn or some other bed and breakfast around town and throw a party. i am down.who is with me?
and pascale you are right. things do happen. ha HA.
florida is hot and flat and bright and dry
i am hot and round and dark and moist
the view from my fathers 14th story apartment is stark and surreal because there are not many tall buildings in the first place, and besides that we are right on the outskirts of the downtown area so when i look out i see 2 sky scrapers and then land that is so homogenous it scares me. it looks like a barren wasteland, and i feel so isolated staring off into the horizon which lies so flat and i can see so far. i am not used to seeing the land scape like this. being part of the small group of tall buildings make all else pale in comparison. emphasizes the SMALLNESS of everything that surrounds us. its wierd mang.ill take pictures and show you guys. i decided to use a disposeable camera because i havent used one of those in a while and i wonder how much i can get out of it. they have a lot of personality those disposeable cameras.very imposing characters they are. like sharpies. and photoshop, and automatic shifting. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 30th, 2006|06:41 pm] |
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its when you become too involved in any one thing, and only that thing, that you begint to want it to become something. want it to be something that it is not, wish that there were things about it that did not exist instead of just seeing it for what it is and accepting its nature and taking the good from it and all from other things in general. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 24th, 2006|12:03 am] |
i beat myself up a lot. people tell me that i am too hard on myself but its hard to say because i think i am just hard enough, which is why i am the way that i am. i know though that i do get all worked up about certain things that happen to me or that i happen to, and that i often have trouble seeing the greater good, or my greater good. always focused on my inadequacy. but i won an award at school. ha. some money i guess and an award ceremony that i want you to accompany me to. and i guess i have been kindof productive but really when i look at the past year i see myself acting incuriously. and i see myself not really living up to my potential. jack says that means i have a lot to give. i like that. see that is acknowledging the greater good right there. life is crazy totally. remember?
max |
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| fear |
[Apr. 23rd, 2006|11:19 am] |
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i hate that the internet makes me feel so close to people because then i want to touch them and i cant. i am beyond articulation this morning. i am going to draw my feelings. i realized that my art has become a product of my fear, not a representation of, which it MUST be. i also realized that i love the FUCKING AM and the TRANS CHAMPS and i want to play it for you if you will let me. Austin said something to me he said, "be afraid in every other facet of your life, but not this one. you have to let it all go. you will know you are there when you feel it" i feel it.beginning to feel it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2006|11:19 pm] |
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i have an imagination and often it will run away with itself and will drag me by its coat tails all over irrationality and anxiety and back. and forth. and back. i argue with myself about what it happening and what is a glorified hypothesis that i allow to grow and grow and grow and grow and grow and grow and grow and grow and grow and grow and grow and grow. sometimes i even react to my hypothesis before it is proven and i get upset about an idea that i had. its only an idea. its only an idea i tell myself and i should not guess about things that only time will tell. time does not give in. time does not foreshadow. time tells no secrets. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 11th, 2006|10:35 am] |
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you know what it is? its that everyone else is crazy besides me. yeah. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 11th, 2006|02:52 am] |
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i feel like i am just being made an example of. over and over. what is wrong with me? why am i cursed so?i i wish i had never said a lot of things right now. i feel stupid but honest. no i feel good because i did all i could. i am doing all i can. i just wish that the phrase "bad timing" didnt define my existence. how arbitrary everything seems at this moment, when nothing is reciprocated and most things that i thought were true are now in question. every fold has a fold. every corner has a corner. who values honor in this day and age? who values truth and honesty? who values what is morally right? i need to find a place where there are people that do, that understand the importance of being fully truthful, and understand the weight that it bears. i feel now as if i have been talking to a far off mountain and confused myself into thinking i was hearing a response when really i was just hearing a god damned echo. the world wants me to be disenfranchised i guess. there is nothing to do but let it wash over me. i am not quite sure yet what lesson i am supposed to learn from my experiences today. although still my feelings have not changed. isnt that fucked up? what the fuck is wrong with me? everything seems so illusory. wow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 8th, 2006|11:47 pm] |
my life has been better this year. better than in a long time. i know i will remember this year.
right now i am sitting in my dark red chair typing on this computer and my room is lit by one light to my left and my bed lies empty to my right and its made for two but there is only one of me tonight. i think most things are more enjoyeable when they are shared and i like sharing. i want to share with you. wow in all seriousness and playfullness. i could tell allyou guys what i predict for myself in the future because i always think i am right but i think that no one really has as much faith in me as i do. ive got a lot of faith in myself. maybe too much? no never. never too much right guys? never too much! ever feel like you are on a mission? like there is no choice involved in your matters? and i dont mean to say that i am divinely inspired although i must admit that i do entertain the notion from time to time. ha. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 8th, 2006|01:59 am] |
i did nothing today.
i did nothing today.
i was bored a few times but thats my own fault.
my own fault. you know what else is my own fault? a lot of things. i have a lot of my own faults. they are all mine! all my own faults how nice to know that i have faults that are all my own all for me. i am listening to angels of light they are very good. today was cold like yesterday. tomorrow will be cold and it will get dark at 6pm and i will wish once again that i could go outside and enjoy myself without having to get accustomed to the cold air. today was a short day filled with uneventfullness. is that even a word. shit i have been writing in this a lot. has anyone else noticed? i just did.
i need a vacation from this vacation. i didnt really vacate at all. i guess there is not that much stress in my life right now but what stress does exist has not been postponed by my vacation. i am not removed i am still right here where i was ysterday eating eggs and wondering why my skin looks darker than it did before. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2006|03:34 pm] |
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see? i can do it. see? you can do it. see? we can do it. its ok it will be ok see? i knew it i know it now and everyday more and more and more and more and more and more. i get this funny feeling that |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2006|10:33 am] |
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i used to sit in johns bedroom for hours and look at porn and not masturbate while andrew kendrick and max b blow aderol and matt and james draw on the walls and john tells his dad off for telling him off cause we are huffing paint and making a gravity bogn out of the toilet and getting the dog drunk and leaving the puke on the stairs and drinking with the babysitters and shitting off the deck and devirginizing high school girls in the hot tub and secretly wishing that john would kill his dad and marry his step mom cause shes mad hot yo. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 1st, 2006|01:41 pm] |
think of life as being a series of packages sent to you in the mail. the packages i get contain action figures with missing limbs or cars with only three wheels or tape players with dead batteries. i think that other people's packages are the same though, i dont mean to say that i am the only one working with broken toys, i just think that a lot of people are not aware of the fact that their toys are broken. it seems to me that a lot of people take their legless soldier at face value and accept their handcapped fate. i can never settle for less and that is my blessing and my curse.
also, i think that it takes about 4 months to get what you want. anybody?
but this weather is driving me crazy i feel the poisonous ache of cabin fever seeping into my blood more and more definetly with every passing day. i need warm weather because i want to be outside in nature. i love nature. ha. i LOVE nature. I LOVE NATURE and i was thinking that i want to get a really bold and offensive, or maybe not so offensive as just immature and closeminded, or not even immature and close minded, well, bold and beautiful. yeah. and ignorant! yeah thats the word. bold and ignorant. like "FUCK SOCIETY" or something, cause i definetly feel that, you know? it would be awesome. i think i am going to but it will prbably be more like "NO GODS NO MASTERS" or some shit like that cause i feel that too i just think that it would make people think twice when dealing with me, maybe it would make them question my existence a little bit more. or like, "I HATE THE WORLD" or like "KILL PEOPLE" or something... or like"WEED" maybe. "NEVER SAY NEVER" or something idiotic like that. just to turn the tables a little. just to spice things up, just to make interactions a little more interesting. something to laugh at you know? |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 20th, 2006|12:57 am] |
i didnt write about you before but ill write about you now. i dont even know if you will read this. i am trying to not be bitter because bitterness is a feeling that i am well acquainted with and one that i have grown a strong distaste for. i am sad but its ok because things are progressing as they should. you made the right desicion i think i am just confused about the future but i bet you are too. so we will meditate. i hope you get some good thinking done. lets just have no hard feelings ok? i didnt mean all th things that i said when i was drunk i swear i want to talk to you but i guess you dont want ot talk to me. thats ok. thats ok. thats ok. just know that i am thinking about you i swear. i swear. and i do care. and i try hard to be trusting its just hard. so goodnight you will inevitably be in my dreams as you were last night and the night before. my dreams make me feel insecure. searching looking wandering with and without aim simultaneously. goodnight i hope you are alright i worry too much maybe? should i not care? do you not want me to? i cant help it/ i cant. sorry. for better or for worse. ok thats it for now.
max |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 5th, 2006|08:32 pm] |
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i guess i am kind of old fashioned. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2005|12:33 pm] |
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valencia is a planned community made up of planned communities with gates and names like "sunset hills" and if you were ever wondering who the people were that bought their kids abercrombie thongs for kids you should look no further. there are H2's everywhere and i think that just about every 3rd car is an SUV of some sort. town centers are strip malls and there are non native trees that exhibit colors that we associate with fall like red and yellow and brown and i feel a crisp fall breeze pass over me but then realize that i am in the desert in southern california in the winter and its 65 degrees outside. and everybody wears too much makeup. way too much actually. |
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| roberto. |
[Dec. 17th, 2005|04:17 pm] |
ok what were you saying robby? so right before my granpa died, i think hed been into smoking cigarettes his entire life, and my mom smokes and righ before he dided he took me out to life, he was really important person, but after we ate we went out frotn and he was going tpo smoke a cigarette and i bummed one off him and i htink it gave him joy that i in turn was growing up like him... if that makes sense. i think it does make sense.
that will be one of the memories that i will have for the rest of my life, like that one moment. does that make sense? |
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